Batman: The Rise of Crazy

Non-Arkhamverse Batman Fanfic

Batman: The Rise of Crazy

Postby gary2692 » Feb 5th, 2015, 9:04 pm

Batman: The Rise Of Crazy

(Note: There are multiple jokes about blind people, these are not to be taken seriously. I have absolutely nothing against people who are blind and really feel sorry for them. So please do not take offense.)

GCPD Building
The Bat-signal shines high in the green sky, over the misty clouds and polluted air.
Gordon: Why the POW is the sky green?
Commissioner. Gordon stands by the Bat-signal, drinking a cup of hot Vimto.
Batman: You wanted me?
Batman appears on the rooftop with him.
Gordon: We have a...situation-
Gordon bursts out laughing, spilling his hot Vimto over Batman.
Batman: It's Robin isn't it. He's touching me from behind...
Gordon: No, it's...
Gordon laughs more, louder this time.
Gordon calms himself and begins to explain the situation.
Gordon: There was a robbery about ten minutes ago, an officer watched it happen...
Batman: Robin, piss off!
Gordon: ...He recognised the leader. Goes by the name...
Gordon begins laughing again. Tears stream down his eyes.
Batman: Dick, leave Bruce's ass alone! You may continue, Commissioner.
Gordon: Alright...Goes by the name Crazy Quilt...AKA Paul Dekker. Or is it Reece Kirby...or was it Paul Dicker...
Gordon laughs again. Batman gives a little smile.
Batman: That is the worse super-villain name ever!
Gordon: You see, it only gets worse from there. This guy is practically blind...all he can see is...bright colours!
Batman and Gordon burst out laughing, clenching their stomachs.
Batman: pink and purple?
Gordon: That's my daughter's favourite colours.
Batman: Sorry.
Robin: He he.
Batman: I bet he has a mind controlling helmet that projects laser beams, and blinding artificial lights and has artificial eyes...
Batman laughs to himself.
Gordon: Well...
Batman: Well, I better get going. Criminals and women to blind people.
They both laugh. Below, an elderly blind man listens.
Man: I'll find you, you horrible pricks!

Batman and Robin are outside the bank. They both examine the area, looking for clues which might lead to Crazy Quilt's whereabouts.
Robin: Hey Batman, there's a note here from Crazy Quilt, it says "I'll be at Gotham Art Club". That might be a clue!
Batman: No, Robin. That's bull-crap. This piece of chewing gum, that looks like its been here for years, is a real clue. All I need to do is cross reference...
Robin: But, Batman...
Batman: Maybe there's another clue...Ah-ah! A little crack in the pavement. That suggests this criminal has a tiny earthquake machine.
Robin: What...A tiny earthquake machine?! Batman...
Batman: Hang on...Oh. My. God.
Robin: What?
Batman: A plastic bag! But's it empty? Maybe the criminal had his shopping in it?
Robin: What about this note?!
Batman: Robin, look! It's a note! It's from Crazy Quilt it says, "I'll be at Gotham Art Club". There we are! How did you not see that Robin? You were right beside it!
Robin: I...
Batman: Come on! You may be a crap detective, but I'll deal with you later! Right now, we've got a blind man to catch.
As Batman and Robin leap into the Batmobile and drive away, the blind, elderly man watches them.
Man: Soon...Batman and Robin will pay!

The Batmobile zooms through the streets of Gotham, heading to the Gotham Art Club.
Batman: Alright Robin, now tell me what you're gonna say when we get there.
Robin: I'll say...Batman watch out! You're gonna hit that...
The Batmobile crashes into an unsuspecting civilian.
Batman: Robin, we've gone through this 6145 times. What are you going to say?
Robin: I'll say...Batman watch out! The Mad Hatter just...
The Batmobile crashes into the Mad Hatter as he rushes into the road.
Batman: Robin, if you don't remember what you're gonna say, I'll eject you. Now, what are you going to say?
Robin: I'll say...Batman watch out! That old, blind man is putting his finger up at us!
Batman: Finally!
Batman takes out a gun from a compartment near him, winds down the window, and shoots the old, blind man on the pavement.
Batman: Stupid, blind people!
The elderly, blind man lies on the floor, blood gushing out of him.
Man: I will get my revenge!

Gotham Art Club
Crazy Quilt sits in a chair, with a young women beside him, as his goons put paintings on the wall.
Crazy Quilt: Mrs. Bitch, would you kindly go POW off?
Mrs. Bitch: Of course, you ZING!
Batman and Robin leap into the room, their fists ready.
Robin: Holy, cheese sandwich, served with a packet of crisps, along with a bottle of lemonade, followed by a strawberry doughnut, with sugar all over it!
Batman: Well put, old chum! Now, let's dance!
Crazy Quilt's men run at Batman and Robin.
Batman takes the first punch. BAM!
Robin takes the second punch. POW!
Crazy Quilt jumps about in his chair.
Crazy Quilt: Hit them you idiots! Hit that ridiculous pink costume that he previously wore in that terrible comic in the 1950s.
Batman picks up a chair and lightly bashes it on a thug's head. CRASH!
Robin lightly smashes two heads together. CRACK!
Batman ends the fight by tying up the remaining thugs.
Batman: Now it's just you and me!
Robin: And me!
Batman & Crazy Quilt: POW off!
Robin walks away, sad.
Batman: There's nowhere to run, Dicker!
Crazy Quilt: It's Crazy Quilt! Nobody knows my real name, not even me or my creators!
Batman: First I will break your weak arms. Then, I will slice off your feet. After that, I will smash out your teeth with a hammer. And then, I will feed you to Robin!
Batman runs to Crazy Quilt and connects his fist to Crazy Quilt's jaw. KA-POW!

Batman: Arkham Origins The Official Novelization. Read on "Our Arkhamverse" now!
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